explanation

I didn't realize yesterday that my blog could be taken the wrong way or that anyone would take from it that I was saying not to pray for Kyle. A comment was left on Team Kyle last night that honestly was hurtful and confusing to me. I won't post it and I won't directly address it again. What I will say is this....I value and appreciate all prayers being said for Kyle...while I may have some issues with God, he for sure does not. We don't publish everything here on this blog, some things remain private for our family and our children. We have had to talk to Kyle about heaven and God....for me it's a very difficult and sad topic. No child at the age of 6 should have to have that conversation...ever. I don't care what anyone says to me, that conversation is one that should not have to be had. We've had to talk to Alex about it, I can say it's almost as painful. While I want my children to know God, I don't want them to be afraid that they will need to go to heaven now. I also know that god can be a heavy topic, I never post about it lightly. While I say all that please know that this is out blog....as long as I'm not hurting my children or my husband I will write how I feel. I have watched the sweetest child suffer for 6 years, I've watched my family almost fall apart around me, I have ached to my core. I won't ever again justify my feelings.

I thank God for my son....I thank him for the time we've had with Kyle, but I won't thank him for the pain I watch daily. I'm trying, trust me I'm jealous of the comfort people get from God...I really am. I want to get there, and I hope I can someday. But please.....I am so grateful for your thoughts, love and prayers.


XO
K

A message to the Big guy

Ahhhh, I bet a few of you clicked over thinking that maybe I was writing to the big man upstairs again, nope...not happening...him and I are still on the outs...although I may talk every single day to my Mom and MIL (because for sure if there is a heaven my mom and mil are up there) I still struggle daily with you know who...I can't begin to wrap my head around all this, nor can I make sense of any of it. So for today I'll spare you my angry thoughts about the big guy upstairs.

Kyle...Our Big Guy....

It's been a tough month for you little man, your struggling and neither your Dad or I can help you...we can hold your hand, we can kiss your sweaty head, we can whisper in your ear....but we can't take any of this away....it's a helpless feeling. When your little eyes plead with us to make it stop it's like something taring at my soul. I sit and think alot, I wonder how on earth such a tiny body can fight so hard, I wonder where you get the strength to keep doing this....you never ever give up, it's almost like each day you fight harder, more determined to beat this. We have no idea if the surgery worked or not, right now you've got the surgeons scratching their heads and feeling frustrated....but your Dad and I know you, it takes time and we haven't given up on a better quality of life for you. You deserve us to keep fighting and we will....whatever it takes Big...

I could not be any prouder to be your Mommy

Recovery

From Kate:

"Our Kyle has once again shown us how things will go...he's off the vent and breathing on his own....clearly still on oxygen, but he's resting comfortably right now. This is step one"

He was even a little ticked off about missing Bingo in the playroom last night :)

Living Life for Today ♥

Carissa

Out of Surgery

Kyle is out of surgery. Heading straight to ICU. He is stable but on a lot of support. Surgeon had to do extensive repairs. Will update with more details tomorrow. Pray for a peaceful night of rest for Kyle, Kate and Mark. They appreciate everyone's love and support today and always.

Carissa

Update

Kyle has been in surgery for about 3 hours now. Kate just heard from the OR and Kyle is doing ok and the surgeons are working away - that is all. Keep praying...
Carissa

Surgery Day

This is Carissa with a quick update on behalf of Kate and Mark. Today, after a 3+ week wait in Columbus, Kyle will be finally undergoing his surgery. It is scheduled for 2 pm and will be a long and complicated surgery. I will try to do a few updates here as I get them since I know a lot of you are not on facebook for the updates. If you are on facebook, you can follow along with Kyle's journey on the Team Kyle page. There has also been a fund set up for the family to help with everyday expenses that are building up - if you'd like visit the I *heart* KyleStClair page to learn more!
Thank you for loving Kyle and the whole family! Keep the prayers and good thoughts coming, they mean the world to the family!

Carissa

Exhaustion and heartache

I have heard numerous times people use the quote, having a child is like watching your heart beat outside your body....when you have a child who is scared, in pain and that you could possibly lose...it's so much more then that...it's like your entire body is thrown into trauma..it's like watching you entire life slip between your fingers, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

I don't have time to get into the details...I hope to be able to fill in the gaps soon....but the long story short is that Kyle is sick. On top of his complicated issues he got a massive infection in his gall bladder, one that could have in hours taken him from us. He became very septic and was taken into emergency surgery. There is a whole long story about why they put a drain in instead of taking the gall bladder, to put it simply he was far to sick to open him up...on top of that his anatomy is so screwed up it put him into a dangerous category.

He's off the vent but is struggling, he's on alot of oxygen and working hard to breath...his labs aren't great but are slowly improving, we have a long way to go and this is a major complication to his next surgery.

Please keep praying and love our family....
XO
K