Saturday, November 13, 2010

explanation

I didn't realize yesterday that my blog could be taken the wrong way or that anyone would take from it that I was saying not to pray for Kyle. A comment was left on Team Kyle last night that honestly was hurtful and confusing to me. I won't post it and I won't directly address it again. What I will say is this....I value and appreciate all prayers being said for Kyle...while I may have some issues with God, he for sure does not. We don't publish everything here on this blog, some things remain private for our family and our children. We have had to talk to Kyle about heaven and God....for me it's a very difficult and sad topic. No child at the age of 6 should have to have that conversation...ever. I don't care what anyone says to me, that conversation is one that should not have to be had. We've had to talk to Alex about it, I can say it's almost as painful. While I want my children to know God, I don't want them to be afraid that they will need to go to heaven now. I also know that god can be a heavy topic, I never post about it lightly. While I say all that please know that this is out blog....as long as I'm not hurting my children or my husband I will write how I feel. I have watched the sweetest child suffer for 6 years, I've watched my family almost fall apart around me, I have ached to my core. I won't ever again justify my feelings.

I thank God for my son....I thank him for the time we've had with Kyle, but I won't thank him for the pain I watch daily. I'm trying, trust me I'm jealous of the comfort people get from God...I really am. I want to get there, and I hope I can someday. But please.....I am so grateful for your thoughts, love and prayers.


XO
K

22 comments:

Shelby said...

You and your family are amazing and my heart is broken for what Kyle and the rest of your family have endured in his 6 years. My love is always with you all.

Amber said...

You have a beautiful heart Kate. A Mother's heart that is hurting because of the suffering of her child and I appreciate your sharing that...Amber Pickard Love the songs! :)

Mary H said...

you are an amazing woman with an amazing family. xoxo
M

Tisha said...

You are an amazing mom Kate! I truly cannot imagine the pain you go through daily watching Kyle fight so hard. Lots of love and lots of prayers for you guys!

Anonymous said...

Kate, you should always be honest in your blog. that is part of the reason you have so many followers. we all appreciate and marvel at your strength. You go girl. Know that God loves all of you. It Ok and understandable to be mad at the Big guy ! I do feel bad you were hurt . I saw that many people came to your defense ! You are awesome ! love MM
praying for a better day today !

another mother said...

Hi Kate,

First of all, I've read your blog for a while and while I can't say I enjoy seeing all Kyle goes through, I do enjoy seeing a little boy who fights with all he has everyday. Secondly, I cannot begin to imagine what kind of hell you go through each and everyday trying to help Kyle but not being able to do enough. I do pray that one day you find comfort in God. And I pray that you know how much He loves you and Kyle, and your whole family for that matter. I can't answer all the whys of this world, but I firmly believe that suffering and pain do not come from God. I've seen too many children suffering to even pretend to have answers. And you are more than right, conversations about heaven and death are for the end of a long life here on this earth. They are not for 6 year old children. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for not putting on a show and trying to cover up all the pain you're feeling. I'm sorry that someone had to write hurtful things toward you. Kyle is in the thoughts and prayers of so many, and he will continue to be lifted up to the Lord.

Reagan Leigh said...

You should never have to defend yourself. No one knows what you're going through (except of course God). Of course you're mad...no parent should have to see their child go through this. I can't believe someone would have the audacity to ridicule you about how you're feeling. As a parent of a child with mito, seizure disorder, & extreme developmental delay...I know these feelings of helplessness all too well. It's beyond hard. And at somepoint we will know why we've had to endure this, but for now we just have to take one day at a time and try to be thankful for the little things. Definitely sending prayers up for you & for Kyle!!!

Anonymous said...

Kate,

Never be sorry for being honest. You are human; more importantly you are a mother who has seen her child suffer more than any child should. As someone else said, you be angry. God can take it. Anger is a human emotion, one that even Jesus himself felt.

YOu know that I have been angry also, especially with the death of my two babies. I was so angry. How could a loving, all-powerful God hurt the innocent? It took me a very long time to make my peace with God. To be honest, I still struggle with these questions, but it is at these moments that I rely on my faith. I pray that you will be able to also.

In the mean time, you have every right to your feelings. Kyle is in my prayers daily as are you and the rest of the family.

Elizabeth B

Anonymous said...

Kate,

THIS is your blog and you have every right to express yourself how you feel, and how you need to, to get it out, and to 'try' to heal a bit and deal with everything going on around you! You should never have to justify your feelings for anyone else!! EVER!!

Your relationship or not having one with God is PERSONAL between you & Him. I've never been in your position as a Mother, but I've been so angry at God before I couldn't make sense of it all and someone once said to me "Be angry at Him, HE can handle it!" So Kate, if that helps you deal every single day with what you're going through...get angry, be angry! I hope knowing all of us that do believe pray for you and your family daily!!

XOXO
Sharlene

Anonymous said...

* Sorry I re-read that and have to say ANYONE who knows Kyle and your family, believers or not, PRAY for your family every single day! I didn't want that to come across wrong!! He listens to EVERY prayer on EVERY set of lips that are sent up for Kyle's sake!!
XOXO
Sharlene

Sarah said...

Seriously, whoever took offense to the last post should be slapped. I believe the strongest relationships (whether it be spiritual or physical) have down times, arguments and doubts. Afterall, it takes an ignorant person to blindly believe in something. you gotta ask questions and it all jsut comes down to faith. anyway, i'm sorry you had to explain yourself and justify your thoughts. that's something that you should have never had to do, this being YOUR blog about Kyle... I'm sorry, Kate.

Christine said...

You have the biggest heart and are the reason that Kyle remains strong and continues to fight this battle. All of the problems that Kyle goes through is like another dagger to the heart. Of course you have every reason to be ANGRY. This little guy is yours, and anything that hurts him causes a "momma bear" reaction. Do what you need to do to cope. Be honest. This blog is a place for you to write whatever you want to write. If someone doesn't like it, then they shouldn't read the blogs.

I adore your passion in your writing. It makes us feel like we are right there fighting the battle with you. Stay strong. Kyle needs you right now.

Hugs!!

Jamie said...

You are completely right. This is your blog and you can write anything you want. You can also FEEL and THINK anything you want to. No one else is living your life and understands exactly what you are going through. If other people have been through difficult times and felt wonderful strength and love from God, fabulous. Really, it is. But not everyone gets there immediately, after a little while, or even ever.

You are loved and so is Kyle. THAT is what's important. Forget the rest. I'll keep my opinion on whoever wrote a hurtful comment to you to myself. Otherwise, I couldn't post this comment. ;)

Lori Ann said...

Hi Kate,

Just another comment agreeing with the other people who love your family: it's okay to be angry and hurt and expect more from the big guy upstairs. A mother's love is the biggest love on earth. If anyone understands this, it's God. If anyone thinks Jesus' mother was sitting there quietly while her own son suffered, they're out to lunch. We readers are here to support you and Kyle and your family, to listen and pray, not to judge or scold. Unfortunately, there are too many people in this world who are quick to give advice on something that they are completely unqualified to speak. I rarely comment on your posts, but I read them all, and am pulling for you and your entire family.

Shari said...

Kate: I am so sorry you had to justify that comment. I think of your family daily and do pray for you. However, I must admit I have trouble with the God upstairs, too. I still pray, but it's much different than before. (((HUGS)))

Bronx Cataldo's said...

Your blog is a place where you can in a way let your hair down. Its where you put your thoughts and feelings down.
People will twist your words to suit what they think you said. Yes I too have questioned the journey that God put me on. Just remember you are a great wife and mother to 3 beautiful children

Anonymous said...

Your blog, your feelikngs, no explaination needed! You dont have to explain or justify anything that you write Kate. I dont know what I missed on team kyle yesterday but it has me kind of pissed off today. Its so easy for people to stand in judgement when they have no clue. I'm no different from you..of course I am thankful for my child, of course I am thankful that I had her 3 years, but hell no and I never will be thankful that she is no longer here and I will spend the rest ofmy days riding that line of still honoring heavenly father and walking in faith vs the alternative. Like I tell people, you want me to not have anger at the one person that could have healed my daughter, that can heal Kyle because all things are possible through him and yet my daughter died and kyle has been fighting for 6 years. NOT FAIR!!!

Kate keep on writing.

Love and Friendship,
Yolonda

Lauren said...

Kate-

Shame on anyone who would dare judge you or add anything extra to your already full plate. Shame on them.

Your thoughts need no explanation and I'm so sorry you had to take one extra minute out of your day to explain yourself to undeserving people.

Religion might provide some people with comfort, others seem to use it as an excuse to espouse their undeserved self righteousness.

My love, thoughts and best wishes are with you always-
xoxo
Lauren

Leigh, Tucker's Mom said...

Kate,
I am so sorry that you got hurt and that you wrote an explanation for your feelings.

I have yelled at God and asked so many questions, over and over...people who say that we should just be thankful to God for our blessings or other such nonsense are a little off, if you ask me! We are all human, and watching our children suffer brings out so many emotions....thanks so much for sharing yours with us honestly.

Leigh

Heidi said...

Explaination not needed, youre an amazing Mom, continue to speak from your heart Kate. We love you, and your incredibly brave little boy. Praying he's resting comfortable tonight, Hugs and always prayers-
Heidi & Jack.

MJ said...

I think that you are a hero and I do not say that lightly. In my opinion, you owe no explanation to anyone for your beliefs, as your love and strength speak for themselves.

Angel Love said...

How you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other amazes me, but I know that strength comes from the love for that little cutie and his siblings!

My prayers continue for your entire family since each person has their own peace and strength to find. Know that I'm here any time....

Hugs to you!
Tracy