Friday, November 12, 2010

A message to the Big guy

Ahhhh, I bet a few of you clicked over thinking that maybe I was writing to the big man upstairs again, nope...not happening...him and I are still on the outs...although I may talk every single day to my Mom and MIL (because for sure if there is a heaven my mom and mil are up there) I still struggle daily with you know who...I can't begin to wrap my head around all this, nor can I make sense of any of it. So for today I'll spare you my angry thoughts about the big guy upstairs.

Kyle...Our Big Guy....

It's been a tough month for you little man, your struggling and neither your Dad or I can help you...we can hold your hand, we can kiss your sweaty head, we can whisper in your ear....but we can't take any of this's a helpless feeling. When your little eyes plead with us to make it stop it's like something taring at my soul. I sit and think alot, I wonder how on earth such a tiny body can fight so hard, I wonder where you get the strength to keep doing never ever give up, it's almost like each day you fight harder, more determined to beat this. We have no idea if the surgery worked or not, right now you've got the surgeons scratching their heads and feeling frustrated....but your Dad and I know you, it takes time and we haven't given up on a better quality of life for you. You deserve us to keep fighting and we will....whatever it takes Big...

I could not be any prouder to be your Mommy


The Phamily Matriarch said...

I love you, Bigs!


Olga said...

hi kyle -- there are hundreds of people all over the world thinking of you and your mom and dad and your brother and sister... we're sending you the best wishes possible!
kate -- we don't know each other, i'm one of the 969 (and growing) FB fans, via kristina in tx. lots of hearts keeping kyle as close as we can, given the distance and the fact that we've never met.
- olga in seattle

Sarah said...

What a sweet letter to kyle

Anonymous said...

Kate, there are no words to express my thoughts. Kyle is so fortunate to have such a wonderful family. He has so much courage, he most certainly gets that from you and Mark. My love and prayers are with you all.

Weerock said...

And I couldn't be any prouder to call you my friend.

We've had the Big Man talk - you know how I feel. And you have every right to be angry. Every. Single. Right. No parent should have to watch their child suffer like you have watched Big. I only know how badly I hurt when he hurts...and he's not my son. We are supposed to be able to protect them -and when we can't...well, it's beyond comprehension. So the Big Man talk? I hear ya loud and clear. And the best part? You are an adult...and are allowed to feel whatever you want.

Big. Sweet Big. He *does* do things in his own time. He'll how those surgeons - and those surgeons will learn to realize that you and Mark know just a little more about that boy than they do. Science sometimes doesn't have all the answers. It can't account for human will - and we all know that Kyle has that a thousand times over.

OK - I wrote my own blog here. :) Love you tons. All of you.


MJ said...

I do hope that your sweet boy gets some relief from the surgery. His strength truly is an inspiration. I hope that he gets to play Bingo soon.

Anonymous said...


I so get your Big Man questions and anger. I have often wondered why do the innocent suffer. I can't tell you how many times I read the book of Job hoping for answers. I only answer/relief I found there is the knowledge that it is OK to be angry with God. It is so hard to not have the answers. I hope you find peace in knowing that you are not alone there.

As for Kyle, he is the strongest little boy I know (without really knowing him). He needs time to rest. He continues to be in my prayers. Thanks for the update.

Elizabeth B.

Heidi said...

(((Kate))) Always thinking of Kyle, praying he's doing better. That was an amazing letter to your boy, I can only imagine what its like for you & your family to watch Kyle struggle everyday. Im praying he just needs time and rest and soon youll know the surgery has been a success. MORE prayers and hugs coming your way, he is so lucky to have you by his side. I know this is where he gets his strength!
Heidi & Jack

Mary said...

Good Morning Kate,
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. You have every right to be On The Outs with the Big Man Upstairs. I reacall as a Child, there were times I was On The Outs with my Mom and Dad and my Daughter was On The Outs with her Mom and Dad and now I see times that her children are On The Outs with their Mom and Dad. It's part of Life to be On The Outs with someone at times, even the ones that are So Dear To Your Heart. I will continue to Pray, that doesn't mean I'm not Angry with the Big Man for not giving me the answers that I am looking for. I am praying that you and Mark are given the answers that you so deserve. Kyle doesn't deserve to struggle any longer, he is way too Precious. Thinking of the StClair Family. Mary <3

Lauren said...

I couldn't respond to this when I first read it because I couldn't see the keys through my tears.

Last night Micah had a little fever and as my heart hurt for him I knew that it was a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a sliver of the ache and helpless you and your family struggle with each day and I was beyond humbled.

Kyle is the bravest boy I know and you Kate are the bravest momma I know.

Thank you for continuing to share Big with us.