Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I never gave a lot of thought to coping. How we cope. I have over the last few years realized that people cope with things in different ways. I know that in a sense some people feel there is a healthy way to cope with stress and fear, but I really think and believe that no one can force you to cope in ways that are not comfortable with you. I think we can all be taught better ways to cope but that you need to do it in ways that your comfortable with. I do know that when I'm hurting or scared I tend to pull away, shut down and go to a place that is comforting to me. My coping skills lacked so much that in a way it almost put an end to my marriage. Mark and I coped so differently with Kyle's illness that instead of trying to work together and bring our different coping methods together we ended up driving each other away. I felt the overwhelming need to be strong and be super mom. While in reality me showing that I wasn't would actually have been better. Being strong all the time is not a coping skill, it took me a long time to see this. My kids needed to see that I was worried, my friends, my husband. Putting up a front only works for so long, it's exhausting. For me being human showing real emotions was to painful. I think that a big part of me was worried that if I finally admitted that our Kyle was really sick, that each day I worried he would not wake up, that at some point his little body would no longer be able to fight this incredibly hard battle....if I admitted that and tried to process and cope with that....well I think I was afraid I wouldn't get up anymore. I do see now that it's ok for me to say my fears out loud, that talking about them with someone is a coping skill that I need. I am lucky, my husband, my family, my kids all accept me for me. They have helped me be real, to learn how to cope in a healthy way. I'm not all the way there yet....but I'm not sure anyone is ever all the way there. Our Kyle had his picc changed last week and also had a study done. The results of the study while no surprise were hard to digest. We know we are running out of options. We head to Columbus the second week of May, for our last shot before we have to make some incredibly hard choices. Kyle is not happy about the return trip. We are trying to keep him positive, he loves some of the nurses and therapists he got to work with, but he tells us he's scared...and I can't blame him. XO K


Anonymous said...

Hugs to you girl! You are super mom when you show your fears or not....I'm continuing to pray for strength for you entire family and peace in the decisions that are before you daily.


Dorothy DiSantoVacca said...

I can't imagine the pain you suffer every day, knowing the very difficult decisions you must make. I pray for you always that God will give you the strength to do whatever is needed of you. Peace be with.

Lori Ann said...

Wishing you strength beyond human capacity. Thank you for your updates on Kyle and your family. We all (strangers among us) send you our love and support.

Mel said...

Love you! You are an inspiration and a superhero and I am lucky to call you my friend. You are the reason Kyle has made it this far...he has your resilience, your strength, your fight...even on the days when you both think you've got nothing left.
Always in our hearts and minds. xoxo, Mel & family

Lauren said...

I love seeing you blogging.

You are enduring this journey with grace. What amazes me most Kate is that through out all you go through each and every day you keep so many others in your thoughts. Like so many I know exactly where Kyle gets his gumption. Apples and trees.

Big hugs to you each and every day.

Pilot Tom said...

Sorry you guys have to go back but I will be happy to get you and copilot Kyle there whenever you need to go

Best wishes,

Pilot Tom

Amy said...

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Just know you are all always in my thoughts and in my heart xoxo

MJ said...

I think often of you and Kyle, each of you with such strength and love in your hearts.
I feel grateful to read your thoughts on this blog. Thank you for your openness.

erin said...


You are amazing.


Jenna said...

Hi Precious special, brave, courageous, determined fighter. U are an inspirational hero, champ, warrior and trooper. u will be in my thoughts and prayers,
I was born with a rare life threatening disease.

Anonymous said...
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Markwmad said...

I can't imagine the pain you suffer every day, knowing the very difficult decisions you must make. I pray for you always that God will give you the strength to do whatever is needed of you. Peace be with.

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