Saturday, May 2, 2009

A whole world outside of our own.

When Kyle was in the NICU, nearly three weeks in to our 9 month stay Mark convinced me to meet Alex and he on my way home from the hospital for dinner, I remember sitting down at the table and placing my drink order and desperately trying to hold back the tears. I reached down to pick up my purse to check my phone for the 10th time since leaving the NICU and I snagged my Hospital ID NICU band on the chair and it fell off....I scrambled to grab it and realized that I had stopped breathing, tears were uncontrollable and I remember looking at Mark so desperately, wanting and needing him to fix it and put it back on my wrist. It was in that moment as I looked around the restaurant at all those that were sitting there quietly eating their meals who were completely unaware of my anguish when the harsh reality of the world continuing on without me slapped me in my face. I had this feeling of rage...I wanted to shake some of could they not know our baby who should have still been in my belly was in the NICU fighting for his life.

No matter what happens in our lives, the world continues to move on with or without us. When your the mother of a child who struggles or who is sick. The mother of a child who fought to live, who fights to breathe, to stay healthy. Their are many moments when I so need the world to stop just for a few minutes so I can catch my breath...or to stop so I can snuggle the kids a minute longer..or to stop because Kyle just stopped playing trains to tell me that he loves me. I so want those moments to last forever...I know they can't...really I know I'm all over the place right now. Some thing is up with Kyle....he's tired and very thirsty...small loss of movement in his right arm when he runs...all things that for Kyle can be concerning so we'll watch him closely and pray, and hope...

Our March for Babies walk is's going to be a great day!




Lauren said...

I think that is one of the greatest gifts that Kyle has given you and I know Akeelah has given me. We may not be able to stop the moments, but my goodness do we know how to make them last and how important they are.

How lucky we are to live and not have life pass us by.

You and Kyle are always in my thoughts. I am hoping with all my heart that the light starting shining through the tunnel for you and you receive the answers and plan that Kyle needs.

Many hugs to you,

Missy said...

I've had a few of those moments, when you realize the world continues with or without you. I still have them! It's sometimes hard to see people taking life for granted and going on their way as if nothing is wrong in the world.

I hope Kyle starts to feel better. It is so hard to watch them struggle and not know if it means something bigger is brewing.

You, Kyle, and the rest of the family are always in my prayers.


Mel said...

You continue to amaze me with your strength and love! Kyle too! What a wonderful little boy! Love you all!