Thursday, June 10, 2010

in and out

I find myself trying to slow my breathing down...I can hear myself in my head saying in and out, in and out...like if I don't I will hit the floor and not want to get up....things are ok here, nothing major happened today I think because things have been calmer I am starting to look back over the last two weeks and it seems so incredibly sad and hard for me. I try hard not to mince my words on here, it is my outlet the one place that I can be honest and open....but I haven't been able to truly put into the word what our Kyle has been going thru in the last 2 weeks...the words just are not there. There are moments of time that seem lost to me, like I have blocked them out...to painful to remember....I am trying to move past them and take it day by day, hour by hour like his dr's have told us to...but as a Mother that's hard...I think of the tomorrow's, I can't help myself. It's hard to live hour by hour...it's hard to not worry what's around the corner.

We have so far to go, but we are hoping to get home for at least a little bit of time....Mark and I have so much to figure out...choices to make....we will be going back to Columbus we do know that. As for timing that's all up to our Kyle's body...it's all on his schedule.

We as always are so incredibly grateful for being Kyle's parents....we didn't just get blessed with Kyle...we got blessed with Alex and Jack...and our family, and friends....and Kyle's incredible team of Dr's and nurses...who love our Kyle just as much as we do.

XO
K

12 comments:

momtoapreemie said...

Kate,

I am not sure words can ever be attached to the place you are right not with Kyle. As I read your post I can remember that time in our journey. How can one ever explain what it is like to watch helpless as your child is fighting for life and the battle is touch and go. To live in the uncertainty day after day is overwhelming, breath taking and more emotionally painful then words can ever express.

I am so sorry that you, your family and Kyle are having to live through such an uncertain time again. I think of you all often. I pray that Kyle will have strength to fight hard and overcome. You know that Kyle has been out inspiration. Knowing Kyle's story two years ago gave me hope for Joshua when all we had was hope. Kyle's little precious smile lights my heart.

Thinkig and Praying for you,
Erin Miller

Jen said...

In and out is all you can do..he's a beautiful boy and I am so sorry that your family and especially sweet Kyle has to even know what this horrible disease is..praying..((hugs))

Shari said...

Kate, it just seems that my words are so moot! You have been through so much and still continue moving forward to the best of your ability. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love!

Lauren said...

Kate,

I've no words. Please just know Kyle is thought of and his name is spoken so frequently in our home as we send all our hope your way.

xoxox,
Lauren

Anonymous said...

Like everyone else, I feel like any words I might have are so insufficient, so weak as compared to what you have been through in the past weeks with your Kyle. Just know that you are loved. Kyle is loved. Your entire family is deeply loved by so many.

Tommie

Anonymous said...

Kate - we love you, Kyle, Mark, Alex and Jack so very much! Words cannot fix this, we know... Please know we hold you in our hearts, thoughts and prayers constantly.

We stand ready, willing and able to help with whatever you need. Anytime, any reason.

Love,
Pam, Doug, R&R

Heather said...

Sending you prayers of peace Kate, to calm that worried and sad heart of yours.And of course daily prayers for your fighter boy.

girlyhurley said...

Kate-
You are such an amazing mommy to Kyle. He is blessed to have you and Mark and "his kids" and I know that his strength comes from you and Mark. I wish I could come give a huge hug!!!! We will continue to pray for Kyle, his doctors/nurses, and for you and Mark. I hope you get to spend some time at home together this summer and just enjoy each other.

Love you lots!

Lori

MJ said...

It is heart-breaking to think what this little boy has been through. He is an extraordinary child and he has an extraordinary mother.

I think of you and pray for you each day.

Brayden'smom said...

Continueing to pray for Kyle's helth. I pray that God is helping Kyle's doctors to help him the best way possible. Praying for you and your family.

Mary R. said...

Good Morning Kate,
Keep breathing In and Out every second of every day. Most of my days begin with Three Little Saints and ends with Three Little Saints. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I believe you and your family have been blessed with more Love and Strength than any family I know. I want to Thank You for allowing everyone that cares to be part of Kyle and the St. Clair's family. I'm sure you must know how everyone appreciates you creating this Blog! Whenever you give your children a hug please add one for me. God Bless You and Your Family.

Jessica said...

Kate, I'm so sorry you are in this spot- I can feel where you are (and have been there!), and it can be so dark. I am praying for some light and direction, and an easing of some of the bad memories for both you and Kyle. It is SO hard when their little spirits start to go down- that is the very worst of all. Thinking of your family and your sweet boy!