Monday, May 17, 2010

Sleepy Ramblings.




I am tired. Should I start a blog like that, I'm not a very good blogger...(do you know they have "rules" for blogging) my guess is I break all the rules, I don't update enough, my writing is horrid, I never edit my pictures...the list goes on and on. I actually had someone tell me how I could be getting more people to my site, more hits, more interest....crazy huh?!

I started blogging 3 years ago, isn't that a long time. I started blogging in a wonderful safe place surrounded by other Mom's with sick children. It was the only place I felt safe to be me. I noticed that now that I blog here I am more guarded. Why?! I sometimes think I am to scared to put the hardest feelings out there, worried about others reactions.

But tonight's its a necessity, We are in the countdown for surgery. Next Monday at 8:30 am Kyle's 14th surgery will begin. I'm sick over it. Literally. I'm grumpy and stressed and feeling pressured to do more for him, love him more, snuggle him more, breathe him in more, rub his face, his arms, his legs. I find myself telling him over and over that I love him, that I'm proud of him....I'm petrified that something will happen to him and there will be no more me after. No more listening to his sweet voice, no more laughing, giggles, hugs. During every crisis someone will say....you have two other children you will survive if something happens to Kyle....but they seem to not understand that we can't replace one child for another....that my connection is different, my entire day surrounds his needs....they have for the last five years....

Kyle is sick, horrible cold, that needs to be cleared up by this weekend or surgery will have to be postponed. Which at this point would be very difficult. He needs the surgery...badly, we aren't moving forward only backward. Our Kyle....needs this.




Love


K




11 comments:

Jessica said...

Kate I wish I could give you the biggest squeeze. Sick of virtual hugs, want a real one :( Seriously I cannot get Kyle off my mind knowing his surgery is so close, I cannot imagine the stress you are under as his mom. Feel whatever you want to feel and dont think about the stupid comments you may get. Kyle is loved by so many Kate and we are all praying your sweet boy makes it through with flying colors and all the answers to your prayers are finally answered. Love you sweetie.

xoxo
Jessica

Shari said...

Oh Kate! I wish I could give you a big hug! Don't worry about the blogging rules. You just put out here what's on your heart. Those of us who do read with surround you with love, light and prayers.

Lauren said...

Blogging rules? Really? Those are for people who need the instructions on the shampoo bottle. Really now.

I too want to jump on a plane and give you one huge hug. I don't even pretend to be able to imagine what these days are like, my imagination could never do them justice.

I am so sorry that you have to hear people giving you the "but you have..." The places your children take in your heart, in your life are not replaceable or exchangeable... and surviving a day is so very different from living a day. Tell those people to.. well you know... something that I'm SURE breaks all the 'blogging rules'. ;)

And um, yes I will be totally sporting my shirt on Monday to work, to the store, where ever dress code shmesh code! I know I'll be joining so many that will be holding Kyle and your whole family in our hearts and thoughts.

All my love,
Lauren

Heather said...

Sending you loves and prayers to your petrified heart Kate.Which,by the way,breaks my heart,that you are filled with such fear.Totally understandable and in this world,this blog world,you can say and do whatever you want.This is your space.Your place.No one can judge.No one should at least.Those of us with children that have had to fight so hard to be here,we get it.And those that love you,even if they do not walk this road ... they love you no matter what.


Praying,praying,praying for Kyle to kick this cold quickly.

And seriously ... someone said "you have 2 other children."?Zoey is number 6 for me.... none of my children are more precious than the other and non can replace the loss of another.I have watched too many momma's lose children,all having others... their hearts are not any less broken ... how can anyone ever say that?Beyond ridiculous.

MJ said...

Your blog is written so sweetly and honestly; I hope that you do not change it. Each of your children is precious and irreplaceable You express that in such a touching way.
I wish you and your family peace.

Sharlene said...

Oh Kate.....sweet, loving, Kate! My heart broke just reading that! I can't imagine what you go through on a daily basis but do know that you can feel safe knowing your friends are reading your blog...and no matter where (here or that 'other' place [teeheehee]) - we support you, we love you, we love and adore your family and pray for Kyle daily!!

The 'but you have other children if something happens' is BS!! Sorry, I had to say it! Oh how that IRKS me!!!! I had someone say that to me once....and it made me feel guilty...but YOU know better! Your children are your life...that is VERY evident...all THREE of them!!

Love him more, hold all of them close, do what you feel is necessary...but do know that he is close to my heart and in my prayers...now...until he's better...whenever that may be!!

HUGS & LOTS of love!! XOXO

Anonymous said...

Kate,
I also want to give you a big hug!!
You are always in my thoughts, your pictures are precious..you have such cute kids, all 3 of them!

And I am also appalled that someone would think you have a child to spare, since you have 3 of them! No, it would not make losing a child any easier if you have a few extra, whatever that means!

I am on pins and needles when Tucker gets any procedure, so I am sure your fears are mucho larger. We will also wear our Kyle shirts, and be checking your blog for updates obsessively...no pressure to run to the computer, though;)

Hugs!
Leigh

Stacy said...

Kate,
I wish I could come and give you a huge hug right now. I hate that you have that fear for Kyle, it's something no mother should ever have. I think about Kyle daily, hoping that he's feeling better and kicks that nasty cold before his surgery date. Ignore those people that tell you that you'll have two others left if something should happen to Kyle, you're right, no child can ever replace another or fill that hole. I will keep Kyle close in my thoughts and prayers for him to kick the cold so he can get the surgery he so desperately needs and comes through his surgery with flying colors, much better than before he went in. I'll proudly wear Kyle's shirt the day of his surgery and keep him close in my thoughts that day as always.
Stacy

Anonymous said...

Kate,

I know that you know so many people love you and your beautiful family. So many people will be praying for and thinking of Kyle this coming Monday as he goes into surgery. They'll be thinking of you and Mark and Alex and Jack too.

Yes, you have two other children but they aren't Kyle and Kyle isn't Alex or Jack. They're all amazing and vital to your being. I know that, so many of us know that.

I love what Lauren said about surviving isn't the same as living.

Much love to you all,
Tommie

Shannon said...

Praying for Kyle.

How dare someone tell you how to bring more followers - this blog is for you and you alone. You shouldn't be bothered about followers. I don't think some people understand how there are more important things in life (like life itself) than blog followers. Also, yes if something were to happen to Kyle, you have 2 other children, BUT you will have one in Heaven who you wont be able to play with and watch grow every day. Some people...I don't know what they're thinking.

Anonymous said...

Your blog breaks my heart, not only for your child, but for you and the rest of your family! Do not worry about what others think (easier said than done). The majority of us know that this is more than a hard time for all of you, and you're going to have bad days. You are allowed, and being anything less than yourself is not fair to you! <3