I am tired. Should I start a blog like that, I'm not a very good blogger...(do you know they have "rules" for blogging) my guess is I break all the rules, I don't update enough, my writing is horrid, I never edit my pictures...the list goes on and on. I actually had someone tell me how I could be getting more people to my site, more hits, more interest....crazy huh?!
I started blogging 3 years ago, isn't that a long time. I started blogging in a wonderful safe place surrounded by other Mom's with sick children. It was the only place I felt safe to be me. I noticed that now that I blog here I am more guarded. Why?! I sometimes think I am to scared to put the hardest feelings out there, worried about others reactions.
But tonight's its a necessity, We are in the countdown for surgery. Next Monday at 8:30 am Kyle's 14th surgery will begin. I'm sick over it. Literally. I'm grumpy and stressed and feeling pressured to do more for him, love him more, snuggle him more, breathe him in more, rub his face, his arms, his legs. I find myself telling him over and over that I love him, that I'm proud of him....I'm petrified that something will happen to him and there will be no more me after. No more listening to his sweet voice, no more laughing, giggles, hugs. During every crisis someone will say....you have two other children you will survive if something happens to Kyle....but they seem to not understand that we can't replace one child for another....that my connection is different, my entire day surrounds his needs....they have for the last five years....
Kyle is sick, horrible cold, that needs to be cleared up by this weekend or surgery will have to be postponed. Which at this point would be very difficult. He needs the surgery...badly, we aren't moving forward only backward. Our Kyle....needs this.