Sunday, January 31, 2010

Me and the Big guy

I'll start this by saying, I don't expect anyone to agree with me on this blog, I fully intend to get the comments saying so...but oh goes anyway.

I have struggled with God for a LONG time...I've said before I'm jealous of those who can put all their faith, their life, their world into God's hands and feel good about it.

When I was 10 my Mom died...from breast cancer. She believed in GOD, she read the bible, she took us to Church, she taught us about God and she had us baptized when we were ready. She never forced God down our throats but instead wanted us to find where we were comfortable and then she encouraged our faith. When she died I felt betrayed by our God...I felt so alone. How could God do that to was the only experience I had with death, with bad was a huge shock. I can say I never forgave God for that...never...

Until I got pregnant with Alex, and the ultrasound tech said it was girl...and a little bit of my heart healed. I needed her...I wanted a little piece of my Mom back, and I felt like this was God's way of bringing me a little peace, a little comfort.

Fast forward to Kyle...Kyle's birth...Kyle's 9 months in the NICU at MMC....the 5 years we have spent literally fighting for his life. The constant pain and the testing and the heartache...

And me and God...are no longer speaking. I say this light heartedly to my family, to my husband. But I'm serious...I don't ask him or should I say "pray" to him anymore. It doesn't mean I don't believe in a higher being...I at this point have NO idea what I believe in anymore. I want to believe, I want to put all my faith in him...but to watch my little boy suffer they way that he has for 5 years...well to say my "faith" has been tested is an understatement. I have friends that have lost children, good people, the kind of people that should be raising can any of that make sense?

I don't think God's role is to make life easy for people, I don't expect him to ease all pain and suffering...but I do expect more. Maybe it's me...the way I think...maybe I hope for to much.

I think and believe that if say Kyle's name, if you talk about him to people, if his strength helps you in some way...that's just as powerful as saying a prayer for him. Oh and don't get me wrong, when people say they are praying for him..that's great. We'll take that, because that means you believe and well, I'm a little jealous of that. If I am feeling low...I will reach to my Mom...and to Mark's Mom...but me and God...still not speaking.



Miracle Monster Mommy said...

My dear dear friend. You know that I honestly love you to the ends and back. I am sure that being so honest about this was hard for you. I can say that seeing Kyle struggle for so long, as strong as I like to think my faith is, I still have my questions and days. No one else walks in your shoes, you don't have to apologize for these feelings. It is you, it is raw and it is honest. You are an amazing woman, mommy and friend.

Lauren said...


I applaud your honesty. There are no apologies necessary. I'm right there with you. There's no one I feel compelled to talk to, no place I feel I need to be every Sunday. I think sometimes we are made to feel like something is "missing" in our lives then, but that just isn't the case.

You have love in your life, in your family. I can think of nothing more beautiful or "higher" than that.

Much love to you,

Debbie said...


it's understandable how you feel, many feel God is absent when faced with such dark times. I am not going to "preach" or try to convince you otherwise.

Just tell you how I am doing it...cuz right now, I too, am not happy with the way things are going and feel at a dead-end in my prayer life, BUT, for me, even if I am angry at God right now, its o.k cuz I am still in relationship with him and all relationships have their ups-n-downs.

What I know is that God did not intend this world to be filled with all the suffering and hardships we endure, sin entered, we live in a very fallen world.

I too lost my Dad at age 3, have had horrible/abusive step-dads, Hudson rocked our world, our marriage, and for the most part I single-parent my seizure SUCKS! plain and simple...I don't know the big picture, I don't know the purpose in any of this...but I rely on the fact that one day we will be delivered from this hell, because as Christians this earthly life is as bad as is will ever be, this is our hell. I will never stop praying for miracles, Jesus healed so many, if it is Gods will, if our boys are to be testaments of healing on earth, it will happen. I pray for healing here, but ultimately what gets me through is knowing in heaven I will see my Dad,and other loved ones.... and I will see Hudson run free, free of seizures, free of meds, free of pain...
today...this is a small snapshot-

eternity will be forever....

freedom from all we have endured here...

Jesus knows our earthly suffering, he suffered a horrific death, and a very difficult life. Knowing we have a God who understands our suffering also brings me great comfort.

I hope you know I am sharing not preaching.

None of this is easy, none of it makes sense...but I do believe God loves our boys, knows the big picture, and they are His soldiers, and many will learn from their paths before them.

Know my heart aches with you and for your precious boy!

The Phamily Matriarch said...

My sweet friend, as your friend I totally understand you and your feelings. I struggle with it daily even if I believe, worship and love God. My faith is tested every day. I don't understand. I don't like the suffering and heartache that y'all endure every day. It sucks big time. I hate that I am on the outside looking in and can't help ease the pain.

What I do know though is that Kyle is a miracle that was given to you and Mark. Kyle has brought some many people into your live and you into theirs. Kyle has shown us that he has strength beyond our imaginations. I know God has had a hand in that even though I can't begin to understand God's reasoning and plan for Kyle's pain and future.

Really, I don't really know what I'm saying...just that I know I love God...and sometimes am mad at Him too. I know I love you and Kyle and the rest of the family. I know that all I can do is pray and hope that God is listening...and be there for y'all.


Shari said...


Dear, you do not have to apologize for your feelings on this subject. I have been in your shoes when it comes to my faith and my belief in God. It took me YEARS to come back to my relationship with God. And now, I still have my doubts about certain things. I do pray and I pray for people who I hold dear and one of those is your dear Kyle. You are amazing woman, wife, Mommy and friend to others. Try to hang in there.

There's many of us who care!



Jessica said...

Oh Kate,

All I have is can be so unfair and so wonderful all at the same time.

Thinking of you today and everyday.

girlyhurley said...

This has been such hard day for me. . . one of those days when things are just too much to want to deal with. I understand completely where you are coming from. I've been there. . .the first time I ever truly put my faith in God I lost my first niece. I still don't know the reason why.
I hope that someday you and God can talk. . . if that is not right now, then it is not right now. I wish I had great words of wisdom, but I don't. . . I am here for you in anyway possible. I wish I could fly back east and just have a girls weekend. .. we both need it!



Weerock said...

Kate -
We have talked in depth about this - so you know already how I feel.

I choose to believe...because if I don't, it means I will no longer see my son again. I have to believe that my son's life had purpose - that all the fighting he did to survive wasn't for nothing.

You know how I feel about the anger. The bitterness. The irony of all of this.

I love you and your family more than words can say. I am always here if you need anything...even just to rant.


Karri said...


I don't blame you one iota for how you feel. They are your feelings and they are completely understandable.

Hang in there. You're an amazing Mom!

Anonymous said...


I understand totally and completely how you feel. I know I believe in my heart of hearts but there is just some things I dont understand. I will never understand why children have to be chronically sick or why children have to die. Why them? They are so innocent.

Kate I have to believe because if not, I will never see my daughter again. I know she had reason and purpose for her short time here and I have to honor that.

I want you to know you are my SHero ahd have been for a long time. You are an awesome woman and amazing Mom. Hang in there my friend.

Hugs and Love,

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings honestly.
After such a great loss at a young age, then later going through 5 years of watching your son struggle, I don't think I would be talking to God either. So many people say their faith is all that gets them through the hard times. On some days I have felt like that, but most times it is my sweet son that gets me through the rough times. I know that your hope for Kyle and your desire to make his pain go away keeps you going. Otherwise, no one could endure what you have.
I have so much more to say on this...but for now just know that you are not alone...I often do not understand much of what happens to people and will probably always ask "why?"

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