Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm trying

I'm trying to understand all this, on a daily basis I try to wrap my head around the last 5 years and so many parts of it make no sense. I have never hidden the fact that we had to have help in getting pregnant with Kyle, while Alex's pregnancy came surprisingly fast...we actually had to work hard to get pregnant with Kyle and also to stay pregnant with Kyle. His entire pregnancy was a struggle filled with worry and anxiety. I can say I loved Kyle as soon as I knew he was there, probably loved him or the imagine of him long before that. As each week in my pregnancy went by I became more and more attached to him. When he came early, I can honestly say never once...not one time in the whole labor process was I ever worried about losing him. It really wasn't until 12 hours after his birth when the NICU dr came to my room to tell me Kyle was critical that the thoughts of losing him started to creep into the back of my brain. There are times when things are bad that I throw out all sorts of stuff at Mark...I wanted him to badly, I pushed fate...I was selfish and he and I are being punished. I try so hard at times to figure out why, after 5 years I still have to watch my child wither in pain, to listen to him scream, and to watch him plead with us to make it stop.
I will not at this point get into my feelings on the issue of God...I realize that's a loaded post...that will come soon I can promise you. I think at times I'm incredibly jealous of the relationship and feelings that so many seem to find for God. I at this point feel bitter and angry. Not for us, but for Kyle. How some can find so much peace with God, does amaze me...

I know.....I'm all over the place...I'm tired. I'm hurting for Kyle. I miss the other two kids, our home, our bed, and I still find myself in this place of trying to wrap my head around all of this....trying to stay positive, knowing we have a long road ahead of us still but knowing that it's going to be ok. There is no other option.

xo
K

8 comments:

Lauren said...

Oh Kate, those are not thoughts that you share alone.

Thinking of you always,
Lauren

Heather said...

Peace and strength to you Kate.Tomorrow is a new day.Prayers continue.

Missy said...

Kate,

I am with you in all that you feel. You and Kyle are never far from my thoughts. I hope today is a better day.

Missy

Sharlene said...

Kate,

I never knew the 'beginning' of your story with Kyle! Thanks for sharing again!! Those feelings are so normal, and you're not alone at all! One thing I learned and someone said to me along my journey, is it's okay to be angry and upset with God...he can handle it!!

At the same time, I'm lifting Kyle up to him in prayer, for healing, for comfort, for endurance and strength, and peace for you and your family!!

Big hugs!!
Sharlene

Weerock said...

Kate -
You know...we have had conversations about God, and pretty much feel the same. I, too, wish I was one of those people with un-ending Faith.

I would give anything to make Kyle better - and make it where you and Mark didn't have to endure any of this, where Kyle didn't have to spend another day in pain.

XOXO

Denise

Shraddha@theselfloveproject said...

Kate,

I had my girls with IVF.
I was in trouble with my pregnancy from 25 weeks.
I had these conversations with the priest at the hospital a lot.(during bed rest)
I also felt that we pushed fate and landed in this trouble.
I know where you are coming from.

I also felt after reaching 32 weeks that all will be well now...because that is what everyone says....i understand what you are saying...

This whole relationship with God thing is so complicated and we keep wondering why all this sickness happens...some devotees in my group(we are hindus) keep saying it is not one life and we are souls and everything balances out..its just that we don't know as we are too small part of the picture...
.. i am not sure but all i can say is that seeking help of devotees and priests has always had positive impact in my life...

In my prayer group, i frankly tell them....look people the demons you guys are talking about resides in me and i do wonder about all this....and the other devotees are very sweet and keep telling me it will go away as i pray regularly and chant more..

mytwolittlewonders said...

My comment is too long, I'll email ya :)

S

Anonymous said...

Kate,

My heart breaks for you and for Kyle.

I have no words of wisdom, no way of making this better.

Please know that you don't grieve alone for the sweet boy who is lying in that hospital bed. There are so many of us out here keeping vigil, sending positive thoughts to whatever God we may worship.

May Kyle continue to amaze us all with his strength, his courage and his amazing character.

Tommie