I'm trying

I'm trying to understand all this, on a daily basis I try to wrap my head around the last 5 years and so many parts of it make no sense. I have never hidden the fact that we had to have help in getting pregnant with Kyle, while Alex's pregnancy came surprisingly fast...we actually had to work hard to get pregnant with Kyle and also to stay pregnant with Kyle. His entire pregnancy was a struggle filled with worry and anxiety. I can say I loved Kyle as soon as I knew he was there, probably loved him or the imagine of him long before that. As each week in my pregnancy went by I became more and more attached to him. When he came early, I can honestly say never once...not one time in the whole labor process was I ever worried about losing him. It really wasn't until 12 hours after his birth when the NICU dr came to my room to tell me Kyle was critical that the thoughts of losing him started to creep into the back of my brain. There are times when things are bad that I throw out all sorts of stuff at Mark...I wanted him to badly, I pushed fate...I was selfish and he and I are being punished. I try so hard at times to figure out why, after 5 years I still have to watch my child wither in pain, to listen to him scream, and to watch him plead with us to make it stop.
I will not at this point get into my feelings on the issue of God...I realize that's a loaded post...that will come soon I can promise you. I think at times I'm incredibly jealous of the relationship and feelings that so many seem to find for God. I at this point feel bitter and angry. Not for us, but for Kyle. How some can find so much peace with God, does amaze me...

I know.....I'm all over the place...I'm tired. I'm hurting for Kyle. I miss the other two kids, our home, our bed, and I still find myself in this place of trying to wrap my head around all of this....trying to stay positive, knowing we have a long road ahead of us still but knowing that it's going to be ok. There is no other option.

xo
K