Monday, March 1, 2010

I lied....

Total in your face lie last week. I hit the mall which I rarely do at this point, I've been home alot more with the boys since pulling them from pre-school...trying to keep Kyle as healthy as possible. I realized when I got to the mall how long it has been since I've been there....stores were gone and new ones are coming (yipppe Amy..Sephora!) I ran into a women who had a baby in the NICU at the same time as Kyle....she is so nice and every time I run into her she asks about Kyle...her little boy breezed thru the NICU but still struggles with asthma...(9 months..babies need 9 months!) As soon as I saw her I froze...literally one of those moments where I'm hoping she doesn't notice me...not that I didn't want to see her, I just didn't want her to ask me how things were going. It went something like this...

Me...oh Hi how are you?
Her...we are great...How's Kyle
Me...oh he's great, things are so
Her...oh the same, asthma issues but overall great!
Me..that's so good...I'm so happy for you! to, so happy that Kyle's doing so well, gosh I used to feel so bad for him in the NICU yah well...sorry I'm late, really happy for you that things are going so well! Take care...

Total innocent conversation, well meaning...but I walked away feeling like a big ole piece of...well you know. I realize that I shouldn't feel bad, I mean really it's my business if I want to talk about Kyle but it's been bugging me ever since. We aren't good....things are not ok.....We have an entire hospital room in our house, we live on pins and needles and adrenalin....and since that conversation I have felt miserable.

As tough as this's ok. I'm so damn grateful for him..for his strength and courage. I realized that I didn't want her to know how hard it's been because I was taking it in that moment personal....that I have failed him because he's still so sick....but it's not about me. It's about him, and I am so damn proud of him.


For those of you on Facebook...Kyle has a new fan page... pretty sure he already has more friends than I do! ;)


Shari said...

I do the same thing Kate. I just don't talk to others who I don't know too well. It's a survival tactic for us I think. I am proud of Kyle, too. He's a fighter with so much spirit.

Lauren said...


Reframe... given everything you are going through I'd say you guys are doing great.. you're getting up each day and celebrating Kyle and all the amazing things he does each day.

I know things are not good right now and I can only imagine how scary. But my goodness you, Kyle, your whole family through all the ups, downs, all arounds, through all the sadness, anger, gratefulness everything, you're doing it with grace.

Always with love,

PS- When I get stuck in those situations I tell people "We're as good as it's gonna get." It's true in it's safe vague way. xoxox

littlewonders said...

Sometimes its easier to say things are fine than have to answer the questions....totally ok. You're the mom, you get to make that choice in the conversation.

You haven't failed him. You are the biggest (in strength, not size :), strongest advocate I know. I can't beging to imagine how hard things are right now, I try. I know this road isn't easy, or fair, or relenting.....and yet one of Kyle's biggest blessings, perhaps the biggest, is that YOU are his mamma. I'd just love to see the doctor or nurse who ever tries to mess with you or Big man.


The Phamily Matriarch said...

How could you possibly think that for one moment you have failed him? Don't make me kick your ass katestclair!!! You are the best momma that boy could ever wish for. You love, care and fight for him from here to eternity. End of story.


Mel said...

You are amazing...Kyle is amazing...your family is amazing! Don't take on more guilt because you didn't want to have a conversation with someone at the mall! You rock and that's all there is to it! We love you all!
Mel & Family.

Jessica said...

Love are amazing. Do whatever works, whatever brings you peace. It is about you and your family, it is about Kyle. xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

I would have done the same thing Kate. Matter of fact I have. I agree with Jessica, you need to whatever works and brings you peace.

Thinking of you,

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.